DON'T OPEN THIS! IT'S A TRAP!

The room is pitch black.

You are blindfolded and gagged, sitting in a chair with your hands restrained and tied behind the seat. There is a cloak over your head.

Shit, You have been Kidnapped.

You are feeling really groggy right now as you are coming to. You are wondering why the back of your skull is sore. Have you been clubbed?

Where am I? Where have I been taken?

The only sounds you hear are that of your own beating heart and the air escaping from your lungs...

Will you ever get out alive?

Click Clock Click Clock

Someone is approaching.

Click Clock

Faster and faster, the sound becomes closer and rapidly approaches your chair. It sounds like high heels.

Click Clock Click Clock...

Sweat beads from your brow. What do they want with me?

All you hear now is the sound of my voice.

"Do you know why you are here?"

*you shake head No*

"In your absence, trial has been held. And you have been

CONVICTED.

Of what you may be thinking? By whom?

I am the Judge and there is no Jury.

You have been hereby convicted of

Blog Stalking.

Don't speak. I want no excuses.

100,000+ Blog hits don't happen on their own! 80% of you read and do not comment.

Now, I don't care if you have read all of my blogs, half of them, or if this is your first one.

You are mine and I've got you right where I want you.

Sentence to be carried out IMMEDIATELY!

You are hereby sentenced to Comment on this Blog. Even if you never have before or if the thought of it frightens you.

Its the only way you are getting out of here.

It can be anything, even a smiley face or just a Hello. But you will be posting something!

I want to know who you are; it is because of YOU that I am successful."

I bring myself closer to your body. You smell the faint aroma of white musk.

My hand lightly strokes your cheek and moves towards the cloak.

"It's time to take off the mask and reveal yourself.

I would like to see all 1000 of you: My Subscribers, Readers, and Friends."

Your Man is Home Early

She must not have gotten my message.

I can tell; she gasped and clutched the towel closer to her body. There is still steam on the mirror.

She's lucky I didn't get home ten minutes ago. We would still be in the shower...

It's time to read her clues.

The towel is now lying on the floor, missing exactly how soft and wet her skin feels.

Mmmmm. She is using the lotion that I like; it's sweet like vanilla and honey.

Maybe I could lay her down on the linen and slowly kiss every inch of her.

Put my face between her and kiss the entire way down, slowly licking my way up. Make her moan softly and taste every drop... She will know how much I enjoy her and want to please.

She might not feel so innocent.

I could start a little rough. If I wrap my mouth around her clit and suck too hard, she will push away and try to fight it.

But we can't have that now can we?

I am her Master, so I hold on tighter. Make her squirm and shiver and beg for me to stop while I continue harder and faster until she can't take it anymore.

Either way, her knees will quiver.

What does she desire tonight?

Making sweet love, I can see our shadows on the wall. The way we just seem to melt together.

I will grab her legs and wrap them around me so she can feel every sensation, every thrust of me and my love, deep and intense. Remind her that she is my queen.

Or...

I could grab her, bend her over the bed and show her why Daddy's home early.

She's wearing her hair in pigtails; she knows this drives me crazy. She wants me to hold tight, wrap her hair around my wrist and pull, smack that ass and make her scream.

How to decide?

Her pink and moist nipples are pointing back at me.

Do I bite them, pinch them, make her skin blush from the pain...

Or caress them and flick my tongue all over, slowly tasting the sweet vanilla.

Her breasts fit perfectly in my palms. They are full and soft, and the color of creamy caramel. They bounce and tickle from the scruff on my face. I know she will giggle.

I need to follow her clues.

Send her to work sore in the morning, fuck her so hard that she cannot hold back the screams...

Or send her with a memory of our lovemaking, one that will make her feel the adoration and burning desire that I have for her.

Either way, it's time.

Your man is home early.

6 Million

White Wailing Wanderers Wore Westward

Towards the Tower of Terror

That Tears through Tears

Races Erased

Wrongly Rewritten

Souls Softly Sing Sad Songs

Thoughts Thrown Through Those

Deadly Doors of Doom

Dawn Drawing Due

Patient Zero

I've got a story for you today kiddies. It's a Doozy. And, as all my stories are, it's 100% true.

Sitting around being sick made me think about the time when I was my sickest. I mean SICK!

It was the summer of 2001, the same summer I told you about, where I was partying and driving around aimlessly without a care or responsibility in the world.

I was in North Carolina staying with a couple of friends, having a good time. I almost moved down there, it was so beautiful. The fresh crisp air made thoughts of Jersey fade away...

I started to get a wicked headache. A headache that you could never imagine. It was so painful that I spent 2 days in tears and screaming from the hurt. I also experienced brief fits of rage and anger towards anyone in my path.

Once I lost the ability to turn my neck, I became partially paralyzed. The pain was unbelievably strong.

I don't do doctors. However, it all became too unbearable. Obviously, there was something seriously wrong with me.

I dragged myself over to the Wake Forest Med ER in Raleigh, N.C.

I was writhing in pain, and shouting at security guards, and nurses in the department. So they took me back.

Once I gave them my symptoms, they were 99% sure of my diagnosis. 5 other people had already been brought in with the same.

To be sure, I was administered a Spinal Tap. Loads of fun all around. They take a very, very, long needle and insert it into your spine. Then they extract Spinal fluid for testing. You have to be very careful who does this because if they screw up, you could become paralyzed.

Viral Meningitis.

My brain fluid and spine were infected with a virus.

It is not nearly as bad as Bacterial Meninigitis, but there is still a 10% chance of death.

Everyday they came into my secluded room with masks on to test and make sure it was not Bacterial, which is highly contagious and very deadly.

Days went by. All alone in a state where I had no family. My infected mind began to grow restless.

On the fourth day, I had had enough. I snuck out of my room and went downstairs to the payphone and looked up a TaxiCab service in the Phone Book.

Before packing my belongings, I glanced at the IV pierced through the veins of my arms.

Carefully, I ripped them out and left them behind.

The cops were after me. They came to the house and the doctors started calling. I was to return to the hospital or face prosecution.

If I had Bacterial Meningitis, I could infect others with a potentially deadly illness, and that was a crime.

After awhile, the doctor came clean and told me that they were pretty sure that I had Viral and not Bacterial Meningiitis and that the hospital stay was only a precaution.

He made me a deal that I could stay home but that if any of the gadzillion tests came back Positive for Bacteria, that a Sheriff would be back to pick me up.

I wasted no time.

My friend thought that I was still contagious (I wasn't) and punched me square in the face.

I packed my things and drove home. The 8 hour ride only took 5.5 hours because I was speeding at 110-120 miles per hour the entire ride.

I gotta admit, I went a little crazy. My brain was infected and irrational.

Don't ever complain to me about a headache.

That Lovin' Feelin'

Thank you everyone for all of your warm wishes yesterday. I thought that I would be better by today, but I am not. I just crawled out of bed at 1PM. Jeez!

At home, feeling bad and crappy, it made me think...

WHAT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD?

Not things that please the flesh, like food (pizza... mmm!) or material items. But things that make me feel good inside.

WHAT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD?

*

Letting a Pregnant Woman sit on the Train

YES! Last week there was a largely pregnant woman standing on the train with NO ONE giving her a seat. Gentlemen alike. Twice I gave up my seat for a lady. Why? Because we should and that kind of deed makes me feel good. It also made me mad at the others.

*

Giving Money to a Bum

H TO THE E TO THE DOUBLE L NO! Fuck that. Sorry! While I am sympathetic to their needs and lack of common human necessities, giving money to a bum DOES NOT make me warm and squishy. Why? What can I say that hasn't already been said before. We don't know what they use the money for and why can't they get social services assitance or get into a program that will help them find work?

*

Putting Money in the Church Collection Plate

That's another BIG FAT NO! LOL Sorry Guys. While donating to keep your church rolling is an awesome thing, being guilted into depositing 10% of your salary every Sunday into a Big Dish does not make me feel great. I'd rather help with a car wash or a fundraiser or something.

*

Those Starving Hungry Children Leaflets that you get in the Mail.

Yes and No. When I've got a some change or a few dollars and someone is collecting in their name, sure! But the mailings to adopt them for a coffee cup per day, no. Maybe its my distrust of Foundations. Although, my daughter takes the little pictures of the children, puts them in her room, and says a prayer for them every night. It melts my heart. She's a good girl.

*

Helping a Friend

YES! I would do anything for a friend. Rides, Advice, Love, Anything. I pride myself upon being there when someone needs me. The best part is that I have some really wonderful friends who are there for me too, and that makes me feel fuzzy and happy inside.

*

WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD?

Tell Me.

New Human Species?

52 New Species of Animals have been discovered! Yahoo Article: 52 New Species

Including: a Shark that walks on his Fins,

Shrimp that Look like Praying Mantis',

and Colorful Reef Building Corals!

I think that is really awesome, especially since so many animals have already gone extinct.

However...

I scoured the list and realized that a few crucial discoveries are missing!!!

There are some New Human Species that have not been legally added.

I propose adding the following new ones officially to the list:

She-Males and Manchicks

Common Names: Candi, Delilah. Habitat: Found in the wild flashing bright colors to attract attention from potential mates. Often, mates are confused on which side said species plays for.

*

Human Whale Hybrids

Common Names: God Damn! and Holy Crap! These whales are harmless as predators, but they can still crush you if you get too close. Habitat: Most commonly found in All-You-Can-Eat Restaurants and Phone Sex Call Centers.

*

Emos

Common Names: Lonely, Whiny, or Cranky. Will steal your Nail Polish. Habitat: Naturally found in their bedrooms crying.

*

Terrorists that Fight Terrorists

Common Names: Pot, Black Kettle. Habitat: Is not found in the Wild, only in Cushy protected Dens surrounded by the pack.

*

And this New Species, not Named yet.

This new Animal is currently unclassified until further tests can be conducted.

*

At risk of Extinction/Endangered Species:

Telemarketers

and True Gentlemen

Who wants to come huntin'?

*

Have I missed any?

*

How to Catch a Coffee from a Predator

A lot of people have been talking about Dateline NBC's How to Catch a Predator and that Hot Psycho Teacher that made every 14 year old boy's dreams come true...

I have been wondering about this topic and trying not to assume or judge anybody but...

Well, let me just share with you something that happened to me THIS VERY MORNING! You tell me what you think.

So you all know that I work and commute to NYC everyday. I wear sneakers and put my nice work shoes, umbrella, lunch, and all my other shit in a big bookbag.

So today, I am in the bakery that I go to every morning to get some Portugese coffee.

I go to pay and this guy behind me gives the girl a dollar and says that he is paying for me. He looked probably in his mid-40s.

I turn around and told him, no thanks and that I would like to pay for it myself but that it was very nice of him to offer...

So he goes, No, No, No you are a student at our school and I want to pay for you.

Now there is a high School down the street that I walk past every morning. I get yelled at all the time for smoking or cutting class and I repeatedly have to tell them that I am not a student!

I laughed and told him, No sir, I am 25 years old!

So everyone starts laughing and at this point I am still thinking he was just some nice teacher.

He says, well your husband is a very lucky man, to which I replied, thank you, and started walking out.

But before I could leave, he looks me up and down and says, Yes...a very lucky man! I thought you were 17...

?????????????????????????????????????????

Doesn't that sound Pedophil-ish to you? I mean I am over-age, so technically he isn't, but

HE THOUGHT I WAS ONLY 17 AND WAS HITTING ON ME!

What do you guys think?

Nice Guy, Pedophile, or Just a Plain Old Pervert? Your thoughts!

*

Ohhh Donna, Ohhh Donna...

It wasn't always cool to be a Virgin.

My first time, my boyfriend and I were both pretending that we had experience. You don't want to look like a loser!

The first 8 or 9 times we had no idea what the hell we were doing. I don't even think we had sex.

"Wow this never happened before... hmmm...", "That is so strange..."

On this special day, we got all cozy and cuddly in the bedroom. He flicked on the television to add some background noise, since we were in his parent's house.

The sights and sounds of the movie faded away as we got down to business.

So by the tenth time we finally got the hang of things.

After awhile, I start whimpering.

Then the tears start rolling down my face.

"What's the matter? Does it hurt?" he says.

"No! But... but..."

"Richie..." WAH!

I nodded over at the TV. Now I am full-on sobbing.

He looks over at the television.

"RITCHIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" No, Not my Ritchie, No!"

At this point, I am hysterically crying. That movie ALWAYS gets me, even to this day.

So he changes the channel. Good idea.

We go back to our thing and finally made love for the first time.

Of all the times prior when I wondered if we had sex or not, now I knew for sure that we did. (If you aren't sure, then you probably didn't!)

The instant magic was slowly fading away... and the sound of the TV became more audible.

"Neh Neh Nehhhhhhh.... Neh Neh Nehhhhhh...

Neh Neh Nehhhhhh.... Neh Neh Nehhhhhh

Da Da Da Da Da Da Da

DA DA!

"It's the eye of the tiger,

it's the cream of the fight..."

We look over at the TV.

ADRIAN!!!!!!!!!! Yo Adrian!

Triumph! We won, we did it!

I had sex. I lost my Virginity to a Hollywood Soundtrack.

*

I am Whatever You Say I Am

My Style, my Attitude, and my Language are all mine.

I am responsible for how you perceive me. First impressions are truly everything.

For starters, your appearance. My dress is Sophisticated but Sexy. I know how to show just enough skin... just enough to make you wonder what is under the rest of my clothing.

Never tell your secrets ladies.

Keep them guessing, keep them craving. Looking like a beautiful lady will make you feel like one, and treated like one. This attitude can take you far.

Ahhh... yes, attitude. The wayI carry myself and behave makes people respect me. Why?

Because my actions demand respect.

How I walk and how I talk all exude how I wish to be treated. My personality is polite and flirty, sweet and silly. I am a true people person and its very easy for people to open up to me.

Never behave like someone you are not! Why? Because they are not enjoying the REAL you. The best gift you can give yourself is to fully embrace and love your being.

Respect yourself and others will follow suit.

Because of my demeanor, I am confused with push-over all the time. Mua Ha Ha! Quite the contrary.

I do not bite my tongue, rather I choose my words wisely. I can critisize without demeaning. People need to hear the truth, not the sugary coated fakeness that we are all accustomed to.

Pick your battles. Always stand up for yourself, but use discretion for the intensity and timing. Some events only need a small nugde while others require heftier action.

If you are always screaming and arguing for every little thing, the larger things go unnoticed. The impact and weight of the conversation is lost. Why? Because you are always bitching. Lighter situations require finesse.

Save the bark for when you have been bitten.

When it comes to conflict, admit when you are wrong.

It makes you human.

I want to be wrong sometimes, honestly. When you fess up to a mistake, besides it just being rational to do so, it makes your future dialogue meanmuch more.

I don't consider myself an expert or a know-it-all.

But all too often I see people following too close to an extreme, flipping out over a minor incident or not standing up for themselves and being crushed.

Always consider someone else's position before you pledge your own.

Understanding of where another being is coming from is really helpful when trying to resolve an issue.

And finally, agree to disagree. When all else fails, sometimes you just gotta let it go.

We weren't meant to all think and feel exactly the same, so sometimes no matter what, there is no agreement. This is the spice of life.

I am me. I love me. And I wouldn't want to be anyone else. Neither should you.

Don't set your pedestal up to where society or the media conveys. Set it higher!

You are your one and only competition. The wayI see it, you can either be your own best friend or worst enemy. I choose the first.

What will you choose?

Everyone Has a Story, This is Mine

(To all of those who wrote Tribute Blogs, I commend you. God Bless America and those we lost, but never forgotten)

*

I used to be a Door-to Door salesperson a few years back. Everyday I would get a map and I would have to visit every company within those borders and try to change their phone service to ours. It blew, so by the Summer of 2001, I quit.

I was looking for work all summer. (Hardly trying really). Most of the time you could find me driving up and down the East Coast visiting friends and slacking off majorly.

But as you know when Fall comes it brings with it this ominous call for responsibility... It was time for me to buckle down and start doing something.

This one particular Tuesday I had 2 interviews. One of them was over an hour away at 8:30 a.m. (Drag!) and the other was pretty local at around 11:30 a.m. (Sweet!).

So you know how friends and family are...

They all wanna know, "So where do you work now?", "What do you do?" yada... yada... (Which is incredibly annoying to me)

But anyways, the night before everyone wished me luck and I went to bed. In the morning I woke up pretty early to start my day.

When I say woke up, I really mean that I opened one of my eyes, looked at the alarm clock, and pushed it back a few hours.

I did get up a little while later around 8 a.m. or so. Brushed my teeth, went downstairs, made some coffee, and went to the computer room to check my AOL mail.

The welcome screen says "Twin Towers Destroyed" and it showed this little tiny picture. I was like "WTF?!?"

At first, I seriously thought it was a joke, kind of like that Orson Wells radio prank that happened back in the day.

Then I hear my mother screaming, "Turn on the TV!" and that's when I knew. This was no joke.

I wonder what happened to all of them, and to Stephanie. She was the one who was going to be interviewing us that day, as a group, for the preliminary.

How many in my group showed up? How many were not Lazy like me and were there 8:30 am Floor 55 Tower 2 with this Stephanie woman as promised?

Her name is always etched in my memory. We had only spoken on the phone a few days prior.

It's a weird kind of guilty feeling...pretty indescribable.

Now living so close to NY, all cell phones and the like wouldn't work until after 1 or 2 pm. That's when all the phone calls started pouring in.

All my friends had thought the worst. We couldn't contact each other, and they all thought that I was gone.

I survived by being irresponsible. How is that fair? That strange sort of guilt always comes around again this time of year.

Attack of the Zombies!

There are Zombies and they are everywhere!

I see them day and night. Walking around with lifeless eyes and smileless faces.

Maybe not the Thriller kind... or the Brain sucking kind.

I was talking about you.

Yea, YOU!

I ride 3 trains to work everyday and during that hour and a half ride, what else is there to do but look at people.

We are all part of the machine. Day in and day out.

Personally when I wake up at 5:30 am, I am pretty much on Autopilot until I get to work around 8:30 am.

In some way, we are all captive of our society, of our lives, and of our obligations.

What would you do if you were truly FREE?

Free of the invisible shackles that we all wear.

Now, I am not saying free of responsibility because that will always be a very important part of our well-being: individually, as a family unit, as a nation, and as a planet.

But free to think and feel and do...

If I could break lose I would be a much better person. A better mother and a better human being all together.

I would have many more children, at least 2-3 more. They would be free to study and learn where ever was the best place for them.

We would travel and as I showed them the world, I would show them life.

I would have time to volunteer or do something for someone else.

WAKE UP!

All of you, pinch yourself right now. Break the routine. Do something you normally would not do.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE FREE?

DECLARE YOURSELF A ZOMBIE NO MORE!

*

*UPDATE! Check out the groovy Zombie videos posted below in the comments!*

Resisting the Devil

I suppose it's time that I update you all on my recovery.

If you read: My Secret, then you know about my substance abuse. If not, then please take the time to refresh yourself and click the link.

*

With a weekend like this, many of you are probably wondering if I relapsed.

After uncovering the seedy underground world of BBQ, it seems that I have been blacklisted. Banned, shunned. Expelled.

This weekend, Labor Day weekend, I did not attend even one BBQ.

I know I was trying to stay away.

It does feel very liberating... I am able to Saute, Bake, even Fry... as much as I please.

But I looked outside my window and I could see everyone else doing it. Peer pressure is the worst.

Every addict knows that smokey sting in your eyes that makes them water... and the tantalizing aromas that are very hard to resist.

I fantasized about jumping out the window into the neighbors yard... rolling and ducking like a Navy Seal or a Ninja... Making a grab of those succulent ribs and high tailing it back to my house.

There were peddlers left and right.

They know my weakness.

But that's how the dealers work, they try to reel you back in with just a taste.

You will all be happy to know that I have resisted temptation. I am just an addict, taking it one day at a time.

Once Upon a Time I Had a Dream

Once upon a time...

I wanted to be an Actress when I grew up.

Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of Bright Lights.

I still remember the audition.

It was for the play Go Ask Alice.

This is based on the True Life Diary of a young girl who got into drugs in the 70s and suffered severe mental problems as a result, ultimately leading to her untimely death.

Being only a Sophomore, up against Seniors who had been in the Drama Club for 4 full years, there was only a slim chance that I would even get a role.

The next day, we all ran to the list taped up on the wall.

Being a little shorter than most, I started at the bottom. I started reading up, running my finger at the bottom of the list.

Shit! I already got half way up, and no mention of me.

Further and further, my heart sunk into my chest. My name was not even there for one of the little bit parts! I felt crushed.

Everyone was crowding me now, some upset and some thrilled at what they saw.

Then, it happened.

Way, way, way, at the tippity top of the list... was... Kristie Lynn.

Could it be????

YES! I was cast as the lead: Alice. How amazing!

Months and Months of hard work followed. Long hours, and drug research.

Looking out from that stage, I can still see the standing audience and the bouquets of roses that I received.

It may be one of the best days of my life.

That dream of becoming an Actress is long gone. The lights have faded, the curtain has closed.

Life tends to wrap you up and drag you further and further from your true heart's desire.

The Death of a Dream.

I am sure most people have had some type of aspiration or goal that went unaccomplished.

From time to time, I still toy with the tattered worn pages of my PlayBook, remembering how it was.

My dream came true, if for only a moment.

Please, tell me about yours.

If only for today, Let your Dream live.

*

~*Kristie Lynn*~ Solves World Hunger and Alcoholism

Yes! It's true!

Your girl ~*Kristie Lynn*~ has the cure, not only for World Hunger but also for Alcoholism!

How possibly could I, just one mere person on this earth, have solved 2 of Life's Eternal Questions?

It's simple really.

I read recently that the World's Obese and Overweight population has grown to over 1 Billion people...

While the Hungry and Malnourished has fallen to just 800 Million.

Do the Math.

What does that mean?

Finally, we can put a big check mark next to this severe problem.

The solution?

We start the first official Weight Balancing Program. Each Overweight and Obese individual is paired up with one who is Starving.

While Chunky is chowing down on a nice bucket of fried chicken, they will not be allowed to finish it. They must share half of it with the hungry man.

Half of every sandwich, Half of every Chip, Half of every Tic-Tac.

This works by redistributing Lardo's calories over to Stick-n-Bones.

Eventually, Chunky will lose weight, while Hungry Man gains Chunky's extra pounds.

It's Ingenious!

Problem Solved!

*

As for Alcholism...

Just give it all to me. Then you can't drink anymore.

And you get entertainment by watching me get wasted.

Its a Win-Win-Win Scenario!

You're welcome.

*

UPDATE: New Slogan for my Committee!!

SAVE AN ALCOHOLIC, DRINK THEIR BEER

*

TADAW!

TADAW!!

Say it with me, pronounced like this:

"Tahhh- Dowww!"

Louder.

TADAW!!

After yesterday, I offically proclaim Thursdays as TADAW!! day.

Why?

Perhaps it was the way my eyes singed when I walked into the room...

Or the way my nose crinkled up and tried to climb back into my skull...

Perhaps it was the Dizzy Feeling I got while being in there...

Every single stall in the Ladies Room yesterday was filled with Women Poo-ing.

If you are like me, you dont prefer to poo at work, unless you have to.

I don't think I am the only one and there is evidence! I'll show you.

Honestly, by Thursday, most of you are pretty backed up.

Really backed up.

Of all the days of the week, Thursday is the worst smelling company bathroom day of all!

It's true!

Try it out for yourself next week. Take notice of the Odor Levels each day.

It starts slow, but the Odor Level increases steadlily until Thursday. Then, TADAW!!

By Thursday, people just can't hold it anymore and they unload ALLLLL the crap they have been holding onto all week.

The scent makes you wanna say TADAW!!

Next Thursday, remember my words. When you enter the Company bathroom, yell out as loud as you can: TADAW!!

What is TADAW!!?

Besides the shrill exclamation that jumps its way outta my throat every Thursday?

It stands for:

T.ake A. D.ump A.t W.ork day.

Whether or not you personally hit the Company Crapper everyday or a few days a week, most of your co-workers are saving it up for Thursday.

Consider this my formal declaration and warning for each Thursday, from this day forth.

TADAW!!