Astrology Ruined My Life

Every single day I recieve my Daily Horoscope by e-mail, which I peruse over but never really pay much attention to.

Today, I am going to let my Horoscope run my life and I will follow whatever it advises me!

*These are all ACTUAL Virgo Horoscopes for today: 6/8/06*


"You should find that you have a high capacity to enjoy life today. The last thing that you will want to do is to go to work." (aahoroscopes.com)

That's it then! I fucking QUIT! Whooooo Party time!!!!

"Virgo, you may easily become frustrated with others this week as your expectations are set on "high". Lowering them can make everyone more comfortable and goals reasonably attainable." (geminaries.com)

Alright!!! I finally get to lower my standards! What should I do first? Start stealing cars or watch Andy Milonakis?

"You could meet someone from your past that you had fallen out with. Take the opportunity to clear the air, and you will soon realize that an old friendship is being re-established." (aahoroscopes.com)

You know, I have been looking for my old crack dealer for months now. Score! Sweet...

"Hyper-activity may make it difficult to stay centered on what really matters. Keep valuables in a safe place, because you're likely to misplace things today. " (daily-love-horoscope.com)

Probably because of all that rock. Crap, where's my pipe??

"Before noon you may be upset because of a business partner's hasty decision regarding a major investment. You are advised to relax to avoid bringing more tension to the family atmosphere." (e-astrolog.com)

I told that bitch to gimme my money, heard that Grandma?

"You're on a forward track when it comes to romance. With the help of a friend, your love life will be happier than you ever thought possible."

So this is why chicks make out with other chicks when they get drunk...

"Some Virgos will discover that their mother got their birth date wrong. You may not be a Virgo after all and will miss out on all the good luck." (psychic.co.uk)

What????????

"Someone tapping you for a loan seems to have conveniently forgotten that she owes you from before. Tell her to read your lips, which say quite clearly N.O." (getlippy.com)

Damnit Grandma, what did I tell you bitch? Do I need to repeat myself?!

"Your attraction for the opposite sex will lead you from one affair to another." (jyotishvani.com)

Great... now, I'm a slutty whore too. Alright!

*****

Thank you Daily Horoscope!

By following one day's worth of advice I am an unemployed, Andy Milonakis watching, car-stealing, crack smoking, elder abusing whore!

"Think about your role as a teacher as well, and share the fruit of your experience with others." (yahoo.uk)

And so I shall...

And Don't Forget!: