I Used to Eat Yougurt with Sardines

I am 24 years old.

If you remember in May, I was celebrating my little girl's 6th Birthday.

So, for those of you who did not do so well in Mathematics, that means I got knocked up at only 18 years old!

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I was a Freshman in college at Rutgers University. My Major was "Throwing-Up" and My Minor was "Eating".

I was still living at home with my parents, but obviously I did not deliver them this great news so swiftly!

Each day I grew larger and so did my secret.

I went to the Doctor on my own and followed every OB visit.

Then one day, the phone rings.

My mother picks up the phone. "Hello!"

"Yes, Hello, is this Mrs. So-So?"

"Why, yes it is" (Of course we have the same Goddamn last name!)

"This is the pharmacy, Mrs. So-So, calling to inform you that your Pre-Natal Vitamins are in."

"Uh... ?? What??"

That is how my Mother found out that she was to be a Grandmother. Surprise!

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Secrets!

What Secrets of yours have slipped out without warning?

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DARKNESS!

Last night the power went out for 3 hours here.

I was watching the Last Comic Standing. Then thunder and lightning started striking down and booming everywhere and then: BAM!

BLACK OUT

No Television.

No chilly cool Air Conditioning!!!!!

and dare I say...

No MYSPACE???!!!!

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So I was forced to sit and think to myself. What the hell did people do back before electricity?

They probably sat around and shared stories of the old days... and laughed and laughed. Families must have been closer because of all this time spent together.

People were able to deeply reflect their own lives without the noise and clatter that we all live in today. This world never seems to quiet down, yet there I was, immersed in total and complete nothing.

I started to think that maybe this silence isn't such a bad thing after all....

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Then, I remembered that I had a Video Poker game on my Cell Phone.

SWEET!

Come With Me

Let's take a Trip together.

Go deep into your mind.

Go back...

Before Bills and Debt...

Before Spouse and Kids...

Go further.

Before High School and College

First Kiss, First Crush

Deeper... Keep going

Friends and Playgrounds...

Grilled Cheese

Nap Time and Cartoons

More...

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I want to know

What is your very first memory?

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In my first memory I am not quite 3 years old yet, but almost. I am laying in bed in my crib. (Yes, I still had a crib until my baby brother was born when I was 3.)

I am laying down hangin out, being a cute baby, of course. I grab the bars and pull myself up.

Then I feel the rumble in my tummy. I look over the side of my bed at my 'My Little Pony' Castle next to me.

BLECH!

Upchuck all over the castle. I must have really been hitting the bottle hard back in those days.

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Again, I ask,

What is your very First Memory?

My Blood is Made of Sugar

I am convinced that my Blood is made of Sugar.

Not that crappy Splenda stuff either!!! I'm talking the real deal!

Purely Sweet...

Syrupy...

Delicious...

BLOOD!

Last night I got about 20 Mosquito bites within an hour, and all my normal blooded friends only received 2-3. This is why I am convinced.

I myself use the "Scratch Around" technique where you don't scratch the bite directly but scratch around it to help a bit.

My friend used the "Cross" technique, where you dig your nail into it crosswise and it makes a cross shaped dent in your skin. This technique usually leads to the "Star" or the "Asterik".

So what is your itchy technique? And why am I a Bug target?

I am wondering how this came to be. Is it because of Girls being Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice?

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P.S. Calamine is for WUSSIES!

Profile Undergoing Routine Maintenance

My Dear Friends,

Sometimes, I get really worried about you.

When I go to click on your page and it says your "Profile is Undergoing Routine Maintenance", I can only imagine all kinds of evils.

Like the MySpace Police is holding you back and raping you...

Or going through your page like the Nazis, throwing shit around and tearing up things, looking for contraband...

Stay Strong! Friends, Stay Strong!

Don't tell them anything.

I hope you are OK.

I am a Dirty Rat!

(Steve Novak's Blog reminded me of this memory, so thanks)

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I am a Dirty Rat. And a Snitch. I'll tell you why.

One day when I was about 9 years old, my 6 year old brother and I were spending a nice Saturday afternoon at my Grandmother's house.

My parents must have been off running and screaming, "We're Free, We're Free" or something like that.

Since it was such a hot day, we were given a bag of balloons to fill with water and cool off with.

We did, but someone (Me) came up with the great idea that we should throw them at the sidewalk and watch them splat.

That was pretty boring after 5 minutes, so someone (Me) came up with the great idea that it would be better if we threw them into oncoming traffic in the road, right into the windshield of moving vehicles.

Now, that was freaking awesome! We had half the neighborhood cursing and swerving; it was hilarious!

I can still see the last car pulling up in my mind. For some reason it was going a bit slower than the others and it was a bit closer to the curb than the others... They must have really wanted to be pummeled!

This part moves in Slow-Mo. I pull back my arm, push forward, and release the water balloon. At that exact moment, the passesnger door flies open and a big tall man darts out and starts running towards us.

Time to boogie, I'm out! Run, Run Run, Run, Run... Snatch!

I feel myself picked up by the back of my shirt and lifted into the air.

I peer into the eyes of an Undercover Detective. I never saw a man run so fast in my life. His eyes were red and mean from under the shades. Then came a loud boom from his voice:

"Where is he?"

Now, my brother got a bit of a head start on me, but I can see him hiding behind a bush in front of me. I can still see his little eyes peering from in between the branches.

"I'm not going to ask again! Where is he?"

I rasied my arm towards the house. My finger slowly entended to the little boy in the bush. "He is right there."

I snitched.

I wasn't going down alone! I was tortured for at least 15 seconds before I talked anyway...

So he grabbed him up by the neck with the other arm and dragged us upstairs to our grandmother's house.

Our punishment? We couldn't go outside anymore that day. To keep us occupied, we were stuffed rotten with Kit-Kat bars, Ice-Cream, and tons of Cookies.

She never told my parents. Whew! I might not be here today to tell you this lovely story.

How Do You Know?

How Do YOU Know?

This is How I Know that I am Loved.

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They way he looks at me when he thinks I'm not watching.

Brushing the locks of hair out of my face...

Kissing my Eyelids...

Kissing my Toes...

Strong arms wrapped around me like I could Blow Away

Long Stares followed by a Wink that melts me

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He holds me so tight I can hear his heart beating.

The way my skin gets Goosebumps when he is around

My skin recognizes his touch...

How his hand runs over the curve between my breasts and hips

then rests ever so gently in between.

Kisses on My Nose...

Nibbles on My Ears...

Soft breath whispering down my Neck

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He doesn't ask for anything

He gives without wanting

He lives without barrier

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I was afraid of Love... Twice Burned

But I am not afraid of him.

No Expectations and

No Guilt.

I am Free to be Me 100%

Full of Faults,

And he loves who that is completely.

I Know that I am Loved.

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How Do YOU Know that you are loved?

Not that you are "in-love", but that someone truly loves YOU?

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I want to Know.

Oh Do Tell.

My Sick Fantasy

Baby is sick.

My sniffles have turned to full-on stuffy. My body aches and my throat is sore from coughing. I don't feel well at all!

I have opted against NyQuil for obvious reasons.

In my fever induced state, I have fantasized about someone taking care of me.

50% of my readers (aka Male Population) could probably imagine a Hot Nurse taking my temperature. Or giving me a sponge bath.

(I will give you a moment to let that thought sink in)

Aren't there any Hot Male Nurses? Do they Exist?

I guess not.

Actually, I had someone else in mind.

Won't YOU take care of me? Pwwease??

WAH!!!!!!

You May Already Be a Winner!

You May Already be a Winner!!!!

Everyone has seen the commercials...

A big crowd of people run and rush up to your house. All Cameras are on and recording! Balloons are everywhere! The Host carries a huge over-sized check. They Ring the Doorbell...

Then someone opens the door... unaware of the national media presence.

I'm sure a lot of you have thought to yourself: What would I do if I won? I have thought about this. I know what I would do!

SLAM THE DOOR!

Yep that's right! There's no way I am going to be caught on National Television with PJs and Rollers in my hair!

All they are going to hear is:

"Come back in 15 minutes!"

They can wait. Eventually, I will come out, looking as gorgeous as ever and ready for my close-up!

Anyone else as vain as me? Ha ha!

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Have a Fantastic, Crazy, Happy, and SAFE weekend! I love you all too dearly. MUAH!