Attack of the Zombies!

There are Zombies and they are everywhere!

I see them day and night. Walking around with lifeless eyes and smileless faces.

Maybe not the Thriller kind... or the Brain sucking kind.

I was talking about you.

Yea, YOU!

I ride 3 trains to work everyday and during that hour and a half ride, what else is there to do but look at people.

We are all part of the machine. Day in and day out.

Personally when I wake up at 5:30 am, I am pretty much on Autopilot until I get to work around 8:30 am.

In some way, we are all captive of our society, of our lives, and of our obligations.

What would you do if you were truly FREE?

Free of the invisible shackles that we all wear.

Now, I am not saying free of responsibility because that will always be a very important part of our well-being: individually, as a family unit, as a nation, and as a planet.

But free to think and feel and do...

If I could break lose I would be a much better person. A better mother and a better human being all together.

I would have many more children, at least 2-3 more. They would be free to study and learn where ever was the best place for them.

We would travel and as I showed them the world, I would show them life.

I would have time to volunteer or do something for someone else.

WAKE UP!

All of you, pinch yourself right now. Break the routine. Do something you normally would not do.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE FREE?

DECLARE YOURSELF A ZOMBIE NO MORE!

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*UPDATE! Check out the groovy Zombie videos posted below in the comments!*

Resisting the Devil

I suppose it's time that I update you all on my recovery.

If you read: My Secret, then you know about my substance abuse. If not, then please take the time to refresh yourself and click the link.

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With a weekend like this, many of you are probably wondering if I relapsed.

After uncovering the seedy underground world of BBQ, it seems that I have been blacklisted. Banned, shunned. Expelled.

This weekend, Labor Day weekend, I did not attend even one BBQ.

I know I was trying to stay away.

It does feel very liberating... I am able to Saute, Bake, even Fry... as much as I please.

But I looked outside my window and I could see everyone else doing it. Peer pressure is the worst.

Every addict knows that smokey sting in your eyes that makes them water... and the tantalizing aromas that are very hard to resist.

I fantasized about jumping out the window into the neighbors yard... rolling and ducking like a Navy Seal or a Ninja... Making a grab of those succulent ribs and high tailing it back to my house.

There were peddlers left and right.

They know my weakness.

But that's how the dealers work, they try to reel you back in with just a taste.

You will all be happy to know that I have resisted temptation. I am just an addict, taking it one day at a time.

Once Upon a Time I Had a Dream

Once upon a time...

I wanted to be an Actress when I grew up.

Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of Bright Lights.

I still remember the audition.

It was for the play Go Ask Alice.

This is based on the True Life Diary of a young girl who got into drugs in the 70s and suffered severe mental problems as a result, ultimately leading to her untimely death.

Being only a Sophomore, up against Seniors who had been in the Drama Club for 4 full years, there was only a slim chance that I would even get a role.

The next day, we all ran to the list taped up on the wall.

Being a little shorter than most, I started at the bottom. I started reading up, running my finger at the bottom of the list.

Shit! I already got half way up, and no mention of me.

Further and further, my heart sunk into my chest. My name was not even there for one of the little bit parts! I felt crushed.

Everyone was crowding me now, some upset and some thrilled at what they saw.

Then, it happened.

Way, way, way, at the tippity top of the list... was... Kristie Lynn.

Could it be????

YES! I was cast as the lead: Alice. How amazing!

Months and Months of hard work followed. Long hours, and drug research.

Looking out from that stage, I can still see the standing audience and the bouquets of roses that I received.

It may be one of the best days of my life.

That dream of becoming an Actress is long gone. The lights have faded, the curtain has closed.

Life tends to wrap you up and drag you further and further from your true heart's desire.

The Death of a Dream.

I am sure most people have had some type of aspiration or goal that went unaccomplished.

From time to time, I still toy with the tattered worn pages of my PlayBook, remembering how it was.

My dream came true, if for only a moment.

Please, tell me about yours.

If only for today, Let your Dream live.

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~*Kristie Lynn*~ Solves World Hunger and Alcoholism

Yes! It's true!

Your girl ~*Kristie Lynn*~ has the cure, not only for World Hunger but also for Alcoholism!

How possibly could I, just one mere person on this earth, have solved 2 of Life's Eternal Questions?

It's simple really.

I read recently that the World's Obese and Overweight population has grown to over 1 Billion people...

While the Hungry and Malnourished has fallen to just 800 Million.

Do the Math.

What does that mean?

Finally, we can put a big check mark next to this severe problem.

The solution?

We start the first official Weight Balancing Program. Each Overweight and Obese individual is paired up with one who is Starving.

While Chunky is chowing down on a nice bucket of fried chicken, they will not be allowed to finish it. They must share half of it with the hungry man.

Half of every sandwich, Half of every Chip, Half of every Tic-Tac.

This works by redistributing Lardo's calories over to Stick-n-Bones.

Eventually, Chunky will lose weight, while Hungry Man gains Chunky's extra pounds.

It's Ingenious!

Problem Solved!

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As for Alcholism...

Just give it all to me. Then you can't drink anymore.

And you get entertainment by watching me get wasted.

Its a Win-Win-Win Scenario!

You're welcome.

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UPDATE: New Slogan for my Committee!!

SAVE AN ALCOHOLIC, DRINK THEIR BEER

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TADAW!

TADAW!!

Say it with me, pronounced like this:

"Tahhh- Dowww!"

Louder.

TADAW!!

After yesterday, I offically proclaim Thursdays as TADAW!! day.

Why?

Perhaps it was the way my eyes singed when I walked into the room...

Or the way my nose crinkled up and tried to climb back into my skull...

Perhaps it was the Dizzy Feeling I got while being in there...

Every single stall in the Ladies Room yesterday was filled with Women Poo-ing.

If you are like me, you dont prefer to poo at work, unless you have to.

I don't think I am the only one and there is evidence! I'll show you.

Honestly, by Thursday, most of you are pretty backed up.

Really backed up.

Of all the days of the week, Thursday is the worst smelling company bathroom day of all!

It's true!

Try it out for yourself next week. Take notice of the Odor Levels each day.

It starts slow, but the Odor Level increases steadlily until Thursday. Then, TADAW!!

By Thursday, people just can't hold it anymore and they unload ALLLLL the crap they have been holding onto all week.

The scent makes you wanna say TADAW!!

Next Thursday, remember my words. When you enter the Company bathroom, yell out as loud as you can: TADAW!!

What is TADAW!!?

Besides the shrill exclamation that jumps its way outta my throat every Thursday?

It stands for:

T.ake A. D.ump A.t W.ork day.

Whether or not you personally hit the Company Crapper everyday or a few days a week, most of your co-workers are saving it up for Thursday.

Consider this my formal declaration and warning for each Thursday, from this day forth.

TADAW!!

Don't Put Me in the Doghouse!

Everyone is usually afraid of something.

Whether or not we want to admit it, there are things that drive some type of fear, worry, or terror from the depths of our being.

Facing our fears are the hardest part.

When we do not face our fears, they can develop into a full on phobia. Usually, phobias are completely irrational and the person cannot be convinced otherwise in any way.

I have a phobia.

It stems from something in my childhood that evidently I blocked out. During an episode, someone reminded me of an event that may have helped shaped my entire life so deeply.

I am convinced that I can NEVER get over this fear.

My phobia?

These terrify me to no end:

I kid you not.

One of two things happen when I see Dogs or Puppies.

1) My chest tightens and I cannot breathe. I hyperventilate and pass out

2) I cry hysterically and jump on tables or climb up walls whileshaking violently.

I don't really understand why I am so fearful of them. Even the little ones.

Puppies like these:

in my mind, look more like these:

or him

I think Dogs are evil and I hate them.

I mean for Gods Sake, THEY LIKE TO CHEW ON BONES!!!!!!!! Doesn't that mean anything to you?

They can snap at any time and gnaw your leg off or attack you and chew on your flesh like kibble.

I almost jumped off a boat into the Pacific Ocean because there was a dog on it. I could have risked my own life.

When I go to a party and an uninvited guest Dog appears, I freak out and make a spectacle of myself.They need to lock him up while I am there or I am leaving!

Even while writing this blog, my breath is tightening. My air is becoming short. I am dead serious that even these pictures are terrifying me.

But I am being brave today and writing about this in some hopes for resolution.

Is there no cure for me?

So, what about you... Is there anything that terrifies you?

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My Most Embarassing Moment

I was 14 years old. My family and I were on vacation at a Water Park.

Waiting online, hundreds of people were wrapped around poles, weaving in and out and around again, lined up in many rows.

I felt like I'd never make it to the front, standing still in the hot and bright sunshine.

After what seemed like hours, I finally made it to the front of the crowd.

Wow! It looked kind of tricky. You had to stand on a device, similar to a surfboard, while the waves in front of you kept coming full force.

After you fall, you swim freely down the Aqua Blue Lazy River.

My mother went first. She didn't last long at all. Ha ha!

I looked back at my father and my brother waiting on line behind me and proceeded to take my turn.

I was pretty good at it and stayed on for awhile before being thrown from the ride. Man, I must have lasted twice as long as her!

I looked back on the hundreds of people watching and I saw how impressed they were.

They looked astonished! Amazed! My little brother's jaw dropped in admiration.

I got skills.

Some people are even pointing.

I wiped the watery suds out of my eyes. The water was so cold on my body and I felt the chilly breeze touching my naked skin.

Wait... did I say NAKED?

Oh God, I think I did.

Hundreds of people in the waiting crowd, including my father and my little brother, stared as my suit top flew off of my very womanly developed body and floated down the lazy river, with me scrambling to find it...

My sweet and innocent breasts bobbing and bouncing with every step, feeling the light of day for the very first time.

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Please Vote for My Story here:

Story Time Contest

The Contest is all about Embarrassing Moments, Read the others too!

(UPDATE: I WON!!! Thank you!)

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What is your Most Embarrassing Moment?

I promise I won't laugh!

*crosses fingers*

Instant Death

Men say stupid things.

When you get into an argument with your lady...

No one is getting along...

And you are getting frustrated...

She just won't stop nagging???

You want it to be over??

One good way to have a long and painful death is to blame it on the following and say:

"Are you on your period or something?"

NO NO NO!

Bang Bang!

Baby's gonna shoot you down. Chop you up into little bits. Then bury you in a field somewhere.

By the time they find the evidence, your bones will be long disintegrated.

Right! That has to be the reason why...

Not because you fucked up...

Not because you are wrong...

Not because her argument has a valid point.

It's because the time of the month.

Feeling suicidal?

Then go ahead, say something stupid.

Men and Women are NOT Equal

Men and Women are NOT equal. There, I said it. It's true!

My friends and I argue about this a lot. But take the time to think about it.

I believe that both sexes have Superior qualities and Inferior ones. We fill in their gaps and they fill in ours.

I am not going to make sweeping generalizations and list our differences. Think about that for yourself.

If Men and Women were equal, Yin/Yang wouldn't look like this:

It would just be a colored blob with no variety.

I don't spend my time trying to prove to men that I am equal. I know that I am not. So stop wasting all your energy trying to prove how we are all the same.

There are things that I am better at than most men. But there are things that they do far better than me!

I enjoy being a woman. I revel in the girly qualities that I possess. I don't try to prove my equality by lifting heavy air conditioners... I'm sure that I could. But why? That's what I have a man for.

I admire his qualities and ask for his help because he has more physical strength. I appreciate the little guy things that men do; it's pretty darn sexy.

Love me for being a woman, treat me like a lady. Appreciate things about my femininity that awe you... things that I am Superior in doing naturally.

We weren't meant to be the same. Our differences need to be spotlighted, revered, and cherished.

What are your thoughts?

My Poor Nose!

Two Things I have learned about NYC Transit.

1) When you are sitting on the train, this is shoved into your nose.

2) When you are standing on the train, this is shoved into your nose.

It makes the ride so much nicer, especially when we have a 100 degree Heat Wave, like this one! Hot, drippy, stinky, sweaty... Alright!

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(P.S. Everything is going well with me. I am not getting lost as much and everyone at my new job is super swell. Also, I want to include pics for What Happened to Lucky Lola Part 2, but haven't gotten around to the camera.)