Strike Three!

My worst nightmare has come true.

I remember the phone call like it was only yesterday. (Yea, well it was yesterday) Anyways, my boyfriend calls to tell me about his new phone, from Mobile ESPN.

This phone sends you Sports News, Scores, Video Clips, and lots of other stuff. All the time.

Thats what a guy really needs. Especially a guy who already watches ESPN all the live long day. He needs a text message alert anytime someone shoots and scores, makes a home run, or runs a touchdown. Riiiigggght....

How about during an intimate moment? Somebody scored! He should be moaning Oh Baby, Baby!! Not Oh Bernie, Bernie Williams!!

Now there is really no escape.

Well, it might not be so bad if he gets some pics like these:

But I doubt it.

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Sports, Sports, Everywhere around me. Besides the phone, what about the service??

"I'm sorry sir, but your call was intercepted..."

"Well, we seemed to have fumbled your bill..."

"Until you get more minutes, I'm calling this a No Hitter..."

"Excuse me, but your bill is 5 days late and we expect payment..."

I've got a great comeback: "Sorry! I'm on a BYE week "

I suppose it could have its advantages.

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If you don't comment I'm throwing you in the Penalty Box!

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P.S. This is sort of irrelevant but I couldn't resist!

P.S.S. The Giants are the best! Whoooo hooooo!

This Little Piggy Got Hitched

Want to watch a "Chick Flick" with me? There's just something about them that I don't quite understand.

Boy meets Girl. Girl meets Boy.

Smiles. They flirt; they interact. They start to have feelings for each other. Laughter. They share romantic walks in the park, nervous phone calls, and shy glances from across the room.

Boy invites Girl out to Dinner. Girl does this:

Boy gets aroused...

They sleep together and fall in love. The end.

Personally, whenever I am attracted to a guy, I don't shove my toes into his crotch to get his attention.

I don't flick his balls ever so gently with my big toe... and I've never jerked someone off with my little piggies.

Still, scene after scene in Hollywood, this is how you get the guy.

Is this how you met your wife/husband?

What have I done with my life? All those failed relationships... if only I had molested him with my feet...

Well. it might work here, but it's not doing too well in France...

Why does every great love story start with a nice round of Footsie? Do you all do this? Am I the only one who didn't know?

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and Don't Forget...

My Secret

It's time that I share with you a secret.

I have been hiding something from all of you. And with so many new readers and friends here, I feel that it is finally time to open up and tell you the truth. Please be kind, supportive, and understanding of what I am going through here.

I have an addiction.

I know; I look like the nice, sweet, girl next door. I know that you are surprised because you probably didn't expect this from me. But I hide it well.

You see, it all started a few weeks ago around Memorial Day. I received a call from a friend inviting me to a BBQ. I didn't really want to go, but she told me "C'mon, everybody's doing it!" So not to be left out, I went.

I'm not proud of this, but I ended up going to three more BBQs that weekend.

I used to find a lot of things fun to do: like movies, dancing, or going out to dinner. I just don't enjoy doing the things that I used to anymore.

I just keep wondering when the next BBQ is.

Who doesn't enjoy a bright sunny day with lots of people, lots of food, and lots of booze... the smell of the grill.... the condensation running down the sides of coolers...

Its time that I came clean and admit this to you. I do so in hopes that you may help me.

I find myself doing anything just to get a cheeseburger, including tipping other people's plates over on line, just so they have to get a new bun. It's pretty serious.

I know I'm not alone... is there anybody else out there? Should we start a support group perhaps?

Hello, My name is Kristie. And I am addicted to BBQ.

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HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYBODY!!

And Happy Father's Day to all the Pops!

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Sticks and Stones

Brains On!

(For those of you new to my Blogs, they are categorized into Brains On! = Serious, and Brains Off...= Comedic)

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Ever hear that old saying, "Words can't hurt you." I beg to differ. What we say affects everyone around us. Our own self included.

Yes, words themselves do not cut the flesh or wound the body. They do however devour the soul. This has been medically proven. Everything that you say has an effect.

For example, if everyday I look in the mirror and tell myself that I am fat and stupid and ugly, I am brainwashing EVERY SINGLE CELL in my body to believe such. After awhile my body WILL change to assume the characteristics I tell them they have.

Belief is the strongest feeling we possess. Its a bit more than "I think I can... I think I can". But truthfully, when you believe with every part of your being that something its possible, IT IS!

The world is full of possibilities and opportunities. I am in charge of my own destiny. As are you.

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The study that I love the most is work done by Dr. Emoto. He has proven the immense power that our words, thoughts, and beliefs have on WATER.

What he did was take samples of sterile water. To one vial he proclaimed peace, love, and harmony. To another, he sent hate, war, disdain, etc.

With some vials he plays Rock n Roll music and to others classical music. Then the water is crystallized and magnified under a microscope.

Remember that the human body is made up of roughly 60% water! These are some of his findings:

The word "Angel" is on the left. "Demon" is on the right.

This is "Love"

This is the effect of "You Make Me Sick"

This vial was played "Mozart"

(You can find this and more of Dr. Emoto's work online at www.hado.net. He has also published books on this entitled: Messages from Water.)

It blows my mind.

What do you think? Do our thoughts carry so much power? Or do you think our actions are completely inconsequential?

Look, my blogs are a complete open forum. You do not have to agree with me or follow me like a Lemming. I EXPECT you to have your own thoughts because that is what makes this world unique!

So please dont be reluctant to share or disagree with me. Id love to learn from you! Go!

Astrology Ruined My Life

Every single day I recieve my Daily Horoscope by e-mail, which I peruse over but never really pay much attention to.

Today, I am going to let my Horoscope run my life and I will follow whatever it advises me!

*These are all ACTUAL Virgo Horoscopes for today: 6/8/06*


"You should find that you have a high capacity to enjoy life today. The last thing that you will want to do is to go to work." (aahoroscopes.com)

That's it then! I fucking QUIT! Whooooo Party time!!!!

"Virgo, you may easily become frustrated with others this week as your expectations are set on "high". Lowering them can make everyone more comfortable and goals reasonably attainable." (geminaries.com)

Alright!!! I finally get to lower my standards! What should I do first? Start stealing cars or watch Andy Milonakis?

"You could meet someone from your past that you had fallen out with. Take the opportunity to clear the air, and you will soon realize that an old friendship is being re-established." (aahoroscopes.com)

You know, I have been looking for my old crack dealer for months now. Score! Sweet...

"Hyper-activity may make it difficult to stay centered on what really matters. Keep valuables in a safe place, because you're likely to misplace things today. " (daily-love-horoscope.com)

Probably because of all that rock. Crap, where's my pipe??

"Before noon you may be upset because of a business partner's hasty decision regarding a major investment. You are advised to relax to avoid bringing more tension to the family atmosphere." (e-astrolog.com)

I told that bitch to gimme my money, heard that Grandma?

"You're on a forward track when it comes to romance. With the help of a friend, your love life will be happier than you ever thought possible."

So this is why chicks make out with other chicks when they get drunk...

"Some Virgos will discover that their mother got their birth date wrong. You may not be a Virgo after all and will miss out on all the good luck." (psychic.co.uk)

What????????

"Someone tapping you for a loan seems to have conveniently forgotten that she owes you from before. Tell her to read your lips, which say quite clearly N.O." (getlippy.com)

Damnit Grandma, what did I tell you bitch? Do I need to repeat myself?!

"Your attraction for the opposite sex will lead you from one affair to another." (jyotishvani.com)

Great... now, I'm a slutty whore too. Alright!

*****

Thank you Daily Horoscope!

By following one day's worth of advice I am an unemployed, Andy Milonakis watching, car-stealing, crack smoking, elder abusing whore!

"Think about your role as a teacher as well, and share the fruit of your experience with others." (yahoo.uk)

And so I shall...

And Don't Forget!:

I Am Not a Nice Person and I Enjoy Lying

The world is full of lies. There's a lot of really stupid things that people say out there that I do not believe. Statements like... "Tofu really tastes like Meat!" or any sentence that begins with "I don't usually do this on the first date but..."

However, I'd have to say that the biggest pile of Horse Doo-dee that I have ever heard in my life is:

"I Was Just Trying to Be Nice!"

Ok so basically, you are admitting to me that not only are you not a nice person, but that it takes additional effort into deceiving me to think that you are? For shame! Real classy, lying to me like that!

I think there is a solution. I say the next time someone asks you if their hair looks nice:

Or if you like their new apartment:

Lie to their face as usual and tell them that it looks great, if that's how you roll.

But when they see right through your crap, and they will, I think it's best to tell the truth. Instead just say:

"I am not a nice person and I enjoy lying."

Now, that's an honest statement that I can respect!

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This Cheese Should Be Illegal

Physically, I think most people at least TRY to take care of their appearance. Grooming, basic hygiene, etc. Personally, I am a slave to improvement in any regards, so why not take the necessary steps to acheive beauty. For example, if I feel a little chunky around the middle, I don't sit around and bitch about it while eating chocolate cake. I hit the gym a little harder.

I think its a great thing to try and better yourself naturally. I'm not talking boob jobs. I'm talking about trimming up that Uni-Brow. Or putting some lotion on those dry flaky knees!

Men listen up. There's something that I don't quite understand about your species. Why do you choose to neglect YOUR FEET!?

WHY? I would like to know. Do you think we enjoy cuddling at night and getting the skin ripped off our ankles? EW! Even with the best looking well-groomed male, 9 times out of 10 he has some raunchy looking toes.

Listen, I'm not saying you have to get a pedicure every week, I'm saying there are some easy steps you can follow to take care of your feet.

1. Wash everyday with soap and water. DUH!

2. Trim and Clip toenails every week.

3. Scrape out any and all "cheese" stuck in the nail.

4. File down the nail, buff it up a bit and it will shine!

5. Lotion! Lotion! Lotion!

That's about all it takes. Please guys. I'm sure all the chicks that have been reading my Blog look like bobble head dolls right now.

I am no hypocrite! My feet are gorgeous.

It takes a few minutes a week but it sure does pay off fellas! There's nothing sexier about a man that has got it together and has got it goin on from Head to Toe. Mmm Mmm!

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and Don't Forget:

I Want to Die! and I Want YOU to Die Too!

Yea, you read it right the first time. I want to Die! And I really want you to Die too. I do, Honestly. I will tell you why.

I was checking my Yahoo mail yesterday where I saw an interesting article: Toward Immortality.

Basically, Scientists determined, by studying aging at a molecular level, that the Life Expectancy of Humans, currently at about age 72, should be able to extend beyond 140 years. That's nearly a Doubled Lifespan! (Yea, I took 2 years of College Math.) Some even believe we may be able to live forever.

Now, these Scientists/ Geneologists/ Nerds have thought of numerous reasons why living forever is just the greatest discovery... like more quality time with family, world travel, reduced healthcare costs, increased workplace productivity, etc.

But all that comes to my mind are a slew of reasons why I think it would SUCK! Here's a few:

1. There will be WAAAAAAAAY too many people alive on this planet at once. I already can't afford the 58 X-mas Presents I have to buy every year for my family. (yes, I'm Latina) If there were 8-10 Generations of us alive, I'd go broke.

2. Could you imagine 140 Candles on a B-day cake? Or little Nana trying to blow them out? A Firefighter's Nightmare would be just trying to light them.

3. It already takes 45 minutes for the Delivery man to deliver my pizza. I'm not waiting any longer.

4. Do you have any idea how much $moolah$ Viagra would make? Do we really want 140 year old men walking around with chubbies?

5. Which leads to another problem. The Jerry Springer show would gain even more popularity. More family members to screw. "I can't believe she slept with my Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Great- Grandpa!"

6. My inheritance is small enough; I'm not splitting it 37 ways.

7. TRAFFIC! Do you have any idea what the Garden State Parkway looks like at 5:30 in the afternoon? What about when DOUBLE the people are on it?

8. When you go to an 80 year old's funeral, everyone will be sitting around crying... "Oh, he was so young... such a shame!"

9. And... just in general, more and more cranky old people alive still complaining.

10. And... they all have Drivers Licenses.

11. If you are mad that your Children haven't moved out yet, wait until they are 60 and deciding to finally "settle down" and start their own family.

12. Even a "McJob" would take 5 interviews to get because of all the applicants.

13. Between Wrinkles and Old People shrinking, eventually we will all look like wrinkly puppies.

It's not pretty! so YES, I want to Die and I want you to Die too! Living till I'm 85 or so is just cool with me.

So, what are your thoughts? Post 'em, Pro/Con, it Doesn't Matter!

and Don't Forget:

Subscribe to My Blog! Do it! Now!

They Must Be Stopped!

There's an organization that's powers have run rampant through this country. Every day they get stronger, and we fall prey to their control. Resistance is our only option. They must be stopped. You may have guessed it. I am of course, talking about your school's local PTA.

You have heard of them, I'm sure. But until you have pressed play on your answering machine and heard that shrill crack in the earth, you haven't fully experienced it.

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii I'm Debraaaaaaa, from the PTA!!!!! We are having a Baaaaaaake Sale on Friday and you know Sheila is making browniiiiies!!!!! What are youuuuuuuu going to contribute? I am of courrrrrrrrrrse making cupcakes!!!!! Please caaaaaaaaall me ASAP before my medications run out and I am passed out on the kitchen floor inhaling Mop-n-Glo!!!!!!

Cheap Child Labor. This week my child is selling sugary sweet cakes, but next week she will be pushing oranges on the highway.

You MUST buy them. Your family must buy them. Everyone you know is a target!

Week after week, your fellow employees will have to hide behind the water cooler because they can see the look on your face and that big box of Hershey's Fundraisers casting a shadow behind you. They dodge you in the hallways knowing that they owe you $3 for pity ordering that #1 DAD Tape measure last week.

They have more control over you than the government. They crusade in the name of our children. And they don't appreciate when you donate Caramel Covered Onions for the Class Party.

Please help me stop this un-Silent Killer. End the PTA! Thank-you.

Living Single

For some reason I woke up thinking more than usual today. About life, about people, about places and things. Feelings, emotions, thoughts, dreams, wishes, curses... etc.

Since my 24th birthday plus one day, I have been living single. Not since I was 16 and I met my "baby daddy" have I felt so free. Failed relationship number one lasted 4 years... and the second one lasted two years. I had a few short lived stragglers in between.

8 years. Ugh. 8 years of being invisibly controlled. 8 years of thinking before you speak so things arent taken the wrong way, as people like to misconstrue and twist words into their own insecure warped way of thinking. 8 years of being molded and meshed into this little perfect looking pretty box that completely envelops who my lover wants me to be.

I have had 7 months of freedom. Bliss. I haven't had so much fun in my life. I have made so many new friends that I am truly blessed. You guys are awesome and you make me smile and laugh like crazy.

7 months of doing whatever I want. Meaning, I no longer stay trapped inside of my house, cooking and cleaning. I am DONE playing house. This is my time.

And unsurprisingly, I am EXACTLY the person who I always knew I was. Being single didn't change me. I haven't ran around whoring the neighborhood, I haven't robbed any bank. I haven't been destroyed by people who want to use me and bring me down, people who aren't really my friends. I haven't succumbed to any of these invisible and probably non existent warnings that I have heard all these years.

Yea, I am a nice person. I am an honest person. I would do anything for someone I cared about. I usually try to do the right thing. I am interested in my future and in my growth. Why must that be a weakness?

Because if you fuck with me, I will open my mouth. I will say what I think. I don't let people walk all over me anymore. I walk with my head high. Its called security. I am secure in myself, who I am, and my abilities. I love being me. I know how to walk away from bad situations and bad people.

Surprise, I have survived after all.

Now, here's the reason why my brains wheels have been spinning a little faster this morning. There is someone who would like to have something more with me. a re---, rela---, excuse me,*cough cough*, a relation---

oh geez. You know, the "R' word. *shudder*

Now I know that I am not supposed to judge someone based on other people, or other past rela---, well you know. But isn't that impossible? And irrational? If we don't consider our past we can never learn from it. So in a sense, yes, he must be judged. And watched. And dissected. But if I look at him molecule by molecule, he is not a man. So simultanously, I have to just step back and look at the man, the whole package.

Since I have never had a healthy relationship, how can I spot one? What is real? I have been kicked, raped, threatened, robbed, beaten, insulted, punched, and abused. I have also been held, kissed, hugged, caressed, squeezed, adored, cherished, and loved.

My thoughts have run away with me. When I am with him, I feel wonderful. I want to be his. As I drive further away from his arms, I talk myself back into my self constructed singles reality. "I don't want a boyfriend" is my mantra.

It's just too much fun living single.