Since my 24th birthday plus one day, I have been living single. Not since I was 16 and I met my "baby daddy" have I felt so free. Failed relationship number one lasted 4 years... and the second one lasted two years. I had a few short lived stragglers in between.
8 years. Ugh. 8 years of being invisibly controlled. 8 years of thinking before you speak so things arent taken the wrong way, as people like to misconstrue and twist words into their own insecure warped way of thinking. 8 years of being molded and meshed into this little perfect looking pretty box that completely envelops who my lover wants me to be.
I have had 7 months of freedom. Bliss. I haven't had so much fun in my life. I have made so many new friends that I am truly blessed. You guys are awesome and you make me smile and laugh like crazy.
7 months of doing whatever I want. Meaning, I no longer stay trapped inside of my house, cooking and cleaning. I am DONE playing house. This is my time.
And unsurprisingly, I am EXACTLY the person who I always knew I was. Being single didn't change me. I haven't ran around whoring the neighborhood, I haven't robbed any bank. I haven't been destroyed by people who want to use me and bring me down, people who aren't really my friends. I haven't succumbed to any of these invisible and probably non existent warnings that I have heard all these years.
Yea, I am a nice person. I am an honest person. I would do anything for someone I cared about. I usually try to do the right thing. I am interested in my future and in my growth. Why must that be a weakness?
Because if you fuck with me, I will open my mouth. I will say what I think. I don't let people walk all over me anymore. I walk with my head high. Its called security. I am secure in myself, who I am, and my abilities. I love being me. I know how to walk away from bad situations and bad people.
Surprise, I have survived after all.
Now, here's the reason why my brains wheels have been spinning a little faster this morning. There is someone who would like to have something more with me. a re---, rela---, excuse me,*cough cough*, a relation---
oh geez. You know, the "R' word. *shudder*
Now I know that I am not supposed to judge someone based on other people, or other past rela---, well you know. But isn't that impossible? And irrational? If we don't consider our past we can never learn from it. So in a sense, yes, he must be judged. And watched. And dissected. But if I look at him molecule by molecule, he is not a man. So simultanously, I have to just step back and look at the man, the whole package.
Since I have never had a healthy relationship, how can I spot one? What is real? I have been kicked, raped, threatened, robbed, beaten, insulted, punched, and abused. I have also been held, kissed, hugged, caressed, squeezed, adored, cherished, and loved.
My thoughts have run away with me. When I am with him, I feel wonderful. I want to be his. As I drive further away from his arms, I talk myself back into my self constructed singles reality. "I don't want a boyfriend" is my mantra.
It's just too much fun living single.
No comments:
Post a Comment